Being Seen In A Digital World

In her iconic book Women Who Run With the Wolves, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés shares the story of “The Ugly Duckling.”

So much of this chapter speaks to the deep pain of being othered—of being among a flock that feels foreign.

There’s a moment where she describes the danger of becoming stuck. In the tale, the young swan becomes trapped in the icy pond. Rejected, mocked, and left to fend for herself, she freezes—literally and emotionally.

Dr. Estés writes:

“Women deal with exile in other ways. Like the duckling who becomes frozen in the ice of the pond, they freeze up. Freezing up is the worst thing a person can do. Coldness is the kiss of death to creativity, relationship, life itself... Some women act as though it is an achievement to be cold. It is not. It is an act of defensive anger.”

And this line:

“For a human to be frozen means to purposely be without feeling, especially toward oneself... While it is a self-protective mechanism, it is hard on the soul-psyche, for the soul does not respond to iciness, but rather warmth.”

So what does this have to do with being seen online?

For a long time, I struggled deeply with sharing anything publicly. What started as hesitation became weeks… then months… then years of silence. My creativity became frozen by fear. The urge to express—the aliveness that once moved easily through me—felt drained.

I wouldn’t say I lost my warmth of spirit, but I did grow cold toward the world.

As a transgender person navigating a society that can be unkind or even hostile, coldness felt like protection. If I didn’t put myself out there, I couldn’t be judged, ridiculed, or invalidated.

But in numbing myself to the outer world, the wisdom within me began to dim. The very insights I know could be medicine for others were silenced. And yet—I am here today because of the wisdom others did share. It’s their words, their courage, that helped me become the whole, healing, purpose-driven person I am now.

I am thinking of examples like Dr. Estes who has spent her life learning, researching, and sharing her teachings. Of the countless times I’ve seen people like Alok Vaid-Menon publicly defy the gender stereotypes and maintaining their dignity and message of love, while receiving the most vile attacks from haters.

And so I feel a quiet but persistent call: to give back. To speak. To share.

In this digital age, fear doesn’t always show up as silence—it shows up as an intense internal tug-of-war.

One part of me pulses with creative fire—my heart races, ideas flow like water, a joyful urgency rises. And then… the crash. A tightening in my chest. The limbic system alarms go off. What if people attack me? Dismiss me? What if I am seen and shamed?

That’s when freeze returns.

And this is where the somatic work begins.

In moments like these, there’s a precious opportunity—to notice the cycle, to pause instead of retreating, and to gently rewire our response. Awareness is the first, and often hardest, step. And it’s also the most powerful.

Somatic coaching helps us map these inner patterns, understand what drives them, and reclaim the possibility of staying with ourselves through the discomfort—so we don’t have to abandon our voice, our truth, or our creativity.

If this resonates with you—if you’ve felt frozen too—you’re not alone. There’s nothing wrong with your nervous system. It’s doing its best to protect you. And with the right support, it’s absolutely possible to thaw.

Warmth is still here. And so are you.